


Girl's Got Me Beat

by tepidwaterdialogues (sas)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Allison/Boyd brotp, Confused Allison, Crying, Educated Lydia, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Faking It!Au, Friendship, Homecoming, Senior year, Unrequited Love, a lot of crying, fan mix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-27
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-03-04 03:03:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2906912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sas/pseuds/tepidwaterdialogues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny thinks Lydia and Allison are a couple. Lydia wants to be Homecoming Queen. Allison is in over her head.</p>
<p>-or-</p>
<p>The Allydia Faking It! AU only I asked for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [caffeinatedkatnissbee](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=caffeinatedkatnissbee).



> Dude.
> 
> This has been such a long time coming.
> 
> There is a fanmix to go along with this whole story, which can be found [here](http://8tracks.com/sas-nimmo-847/girl-s-got-me-beat-1)!
> 
> Enjoy!

“Hey, Lydia!”

 

Both Allison and Lydia looked up from their lunches to see where the voice had come from. A tall boy with wide shoulders and dimples was making his way toward their table.

 

“Who’s that?” Allison whispered to her best friend.

 

“Oh, that’s Danny. We’re in AP Physics together,” Lydia replies just as he reaches the table. Her face broke with her trademark dazzling smile that is eighty per cent sunshine, 20 per cent bite. “Hi, Danny.”

 

His smile, on the other hand, was warm and open, and he looked easily between Lydia and Allison as he spoke. “Hey! I just wanted to remind you about my party tomorrow night. Both of you, obviously.”

 

“Oh, sure, we’ll be there!”

 

“Great, see you guys then,” he grinned quickly before jogging off to join his friends at their lunch table.

 

When Allison was sure he’s out of earshot, she turned to face the smaller redhead to her left. After a few moments of glaring has passed without Lydia acknowledging it, Allison frowned. “Party? What party? Why a party?”

 

“Because, Allison, I love you but I’m sick of sitting in every weekend doing nothing.”

 

Allison couldn't help but roll her eyes dramatically. “You literally went to Jackson’s party last Saturday. You said it was terrible and a waste of your time.”

 

“Well,” Lydia put her fork down primly and met Allison's gaze, “it's better than watching crap TV in our pajamas all weekend.”

 

“But we're going to find out if we can save Cosima this week!”

 

“We won't be doing any such thing. We are going to that party.”

 

“I totally hate you right now.”

 

Lydia smiled, a genuine, dazzling smile that was warm and dimpled and so endearing. “You’re a terrible liar.” She pushed away from the table and started to walk off, sure in the knowledge that Allison was following her.

 

* * *

 

 

Straight after the final bell rang on Friday, Lydia dragged Allison back to her house because "We have to get ready, Allison."

 

"Yes, Lydia, but the party doesn't start for five whole hours. I want to eat, and lie around in my sweatpants for at least four of those."

 

"I have your sweats in my room and I bought sushi and ice cream."

 

"I love you, did you know that?"

 

"You've mentioned it." Lydia smirked, triumphantly opening the fridge and handing the little black tray to Allison.

 

"Arigato?" Allison asked, smiling even wider.

 

"It's your favourite." Lydia shrugged.

 

Allison was still smiling as she dropped down on to Lydia's queen-size bed, the tray of sushi resting on her lap and a plate on either side of her thighs. Out of habit, she split them up between the two of them: grilled vegetable rolls for Lydia, pickled vegetable rolls for her; one each of the California rolls and the tuna rolls; Jalapeno Yellowtail for her, Ango Ahi for Lydia.

 

Lydia popped one of her rolls in her mouth and hummed in approval before turning on her heel and walking determinedly to her wardrobe. She swung the doors open and ran her hands across the row of clothes.

 

"I'm thinking an 'It's Fall but I'm pretending it's Spring' vibe tonight, what about you?" Lydia pursed her lips at the dress in her hands.

 

"Definitely a 'Rather be wearing sweats watching Netflix' kind of outfit."

 

"Ally!"

 

"I'm kidding. I was just going to wear this." Allison shrugged and made a wide-handed gesture at the jeans-boots-and-shirt combo she had on.

 

"Don't be silly. You wore that to class. How about this?" Lydia held up a high-waisted floral skirt.

 

"Cute." Allison nodded.

 

"Good," Lydia smirked, "wear it with your denim shirt and—", she turned back to her wardrobe, grabbed something else, then spun back around, "these boots!"

 

"Yes, ma'am!" Allison saluted.

  
  


* * *

 

 

They got to the party a little after nine. Despite Lydia laying aside five hours to get ready, by the time eight o’clock rolled around, Lydia was still drying her long, thick hair and Allison was still in her sweats. They had eaten, then sat down ‘for five minutes’ and ended up watching one of the shows they normally watched on Fridays. When Lydia had seen the time, she squeaked and jumped off the bed, running to the shower.

 

They mixed some drinks in the kitchen, but before long they were split up as more people join the party. After noticing that Lydia was nowhere to be seen, Allison topped up her drink and made her way through the house, eventually pushing out on to the back patio, where the party had spilled out and there were large groups of people all talking loudly. Allison caught sight of a flash of red hair but decided to leave Lydia to it.

 

Allison was sitting alone at the end of the garden while Lydia flitted from one group to the next. She would be lying if she said she didn't envy the other girl's ability to do that, pick up a conversation with whoever, whenever. Allison was shy and had no actual desire to talk to that many people, but it would still be a valuable skill, nonetheless.

 

“Hey, you,” Danny sat down beside her.

 

Allison choked on her mouthful of rum and coke, fumbling for words. “Uh, hi. I’m, uh, I’m Allison.”

 

Is this kid ever not smiling, Allison thought, although she didn't find it as annoying as she wanted to. He had a charm about him, an easiness that was comforting in a very uncomfortable situation.

 

He laughed lightly. “Yeah, I know. I’m—”

 

“Danny. Yeah, Lydia mentioned. Great party!” Allison wondered idly if her flailing hand-gestured looked as lame and feeble as they felt to her.

 

“Aw, thank you! I’m so glad you guys could make it. It’s always good to have, you know, like-minded people around.” His eyes twinkled. He is Abercrombie-model-good-looking and for some reason that also annoyed Allison a little.

 

She just nodded, now cursing Lydia for leaving her to make small talk on her own. After a minute of uncomfortable silence, Danny leaned forward in his chair and stage-whispered, “So, how long have you two been…” He flicked his finger deftly between Allison and where Lydia was standing.

 

“Uh, since Freshman year." Allison felt herself flush with relief; this was something she could talk about easily, their friendship. "I was wearing a jacket she liked and it was just this, you know, boom, instant connection. Does that sound dumb?”

 

“Not at all, but I’m such a romantic. I love that stuff.”

 

Allison choked again. “Ro—No no no, we’re not… I mean I’m not… Lydia…” she huffed out a laboured breath, urged her words to get into a line, “We are not a couple. Just friends. Best friends.”

 

A knowing smile spread its way across Danny’s face. “You know, you don’t have to hide it. People here are pretty accepting.” He nodded knowingly and Allison found herself growing steadily more annoyed by his presence.

 

“Right, yeah, absolutely,” she nodded, “but really, we’re not dating.”

 

Danny held up his hands in apparent defeat, “Okay, okay. Anyway, I better get back to hosting. I’ll see you later?”

 

Allison gave a short nod and tried to ignore the inexplicable lump in her throat.

 

* * *

 

 

There was a tap on her shoulder and someone asking, “Hey, you're Lydia Martin, right?”

 

Lydia spun around and was faced with a wall of chest-muscle. Both her and Pecks laughed as she steps back to give them space.

 

A slight blush had crept on to her pale cheeks as she smiled, “The one and only.”

 

Pecks ducked his head, blushing a little in response. “I’m Jordan. I was told by, uh, those guys over there,” he pointed behind her—Lydia looked in the direction he was pointing and saw Scott and Stiles standing by the stairs. Stiles waved at her and she gave him a small wave back—“they told me if I had a physics question to be answered you were the woman to talk to.”

 

“Did they? Well, they’re not wrong. Shoot.”

 

“Are lightsabers actually possible?”

 

Lydia laughed, “That’s your very urgent physics question?”

 

“I may or may not have made a bet about it.”

 

“What did you bet?”

 

“That it was.”

 

Lydia nodded, “Well, then, you can tell them that researchers at Princeton recently locked photons together and created a solid substance from light. So, it’s looking good.”

 

Jordan clapped loudly, laughed and pointed at Scott shouting, “Told you, McCall!”

 

Lydia grinned up at him, and Jordan grinned through his blush.

 

“I’m pretty hopeless at physics, and chemistry. Definitely maths. All of those subjects that are based on hard fact,” Jordan said bashfully and Lydia found herself laughing again. “You wanna grab another drink and you can explain this whole 'solid light' thing?”

 

“Sure.”

  
  


They turned and started walking toward the counter in the kitchen which was filled with bottles. Lydia poured some Malibu into her cup, followed by a good glug of milk from the fridge. Jordan balked.

 

“Milk?”

 

"Yep. It's delicious."

 

"I'm dubious."

 

"You're wrong."

 

Jordan raised his eyebrows at her, glancing quickly at the cup he was being offered. When Lydia nodded towards it, a smirk on her face, he shrugged and took a mouthful.

 

"You," he nodded, "is there anything you don't know, Ms Martin?"

 

* * *

 

 

Allison had had at least three too many awkward conversations, two of which started with “Hey, you’re Lydia’s friend, right?” Finishing her drink, she vacated her seat, and went in search of her best friend. She found her sitting on a couch with a guy she had never seen before.

 

“Allison!”

 

"Lyds and… guy I don't know."

 

Lydia shot her a reproachful look before laying her hand on his upper-arm and practically cooing, "this is Jordan. He's a junior deputy."

 

Allison tried to fight back her eye-roll that Lydia's shameless eyelash fluttering. Jordan offered her a wide smile, which Allison returned as best she could under the present circumstances.

 

"Lydia, could I—?" Allison jerked her head backward.

 

When Lydia had hopped off the couch to join Allison, Allison turned on her pleading eyes and crowed, "Lyds! Can we please leave now?"

 

With narrowed eyes, Lydia asked, "What happened?"

 

"I can't explain here, but I'm really uncomfortable and I really just want to leave."

 

Lydia flicked her perfectly curled hair over her shoulder, tossing a glance at the smiling deputy on the couch and making a disappointed noise in the back of her throat. When her eyes met Allison's again, they were big and pleading.

 

"Five more minutes?"

 

Allison did not even try to hide her eye-roll.

 

* * *

 

 

Danny sometimes wonders why he was even friends with Jackson. They have this great dynamic of constantly doing shit to piss the other off, with a genuine foundation of love and loyalty. So when Jackson started his tirade about how it “only makes sense for him to be made King at Homecoming because he is the star-captain of the lacrosse team, and everyone loves him, and he is definitely the most attractive guy at school”, Danny couldn’t help but smile at Stiles and clear his throat, garnering the attention of the whole party.

 

“I think, this year, it’s time for a change.” The room was silent. “Sure, we could vote some handsome-sport star and pretty cheerleader as King and Queen, but what if we could do something that would make a point, make a stand—maybe even make a real difference?”

 

Jackson stared at his friend, disbelief written all over his face.

 

Danny winked at him before he continued, “this year, I say: tradition be damned!” He quickly scanned the room, locating an intrigued Lydia and a very shy-looking Allison in the rousing crowd, and pushed his way to them. He grabbed both their hands to pull them into the centre of the room with him.

 

“I say this year, we have two Queens. I think we should vote for Allison and Lydia to be crowned at this year’s Homecoming Queens!”

 

The room erupted into rapturous cheers, people were clapping Danny on the back and showing their enthusiasm for this plan, squeezing Allison’s arm, patting Lydia’s head, craning for a chance to see the looks on their faces.

 

Allison knew she looked shocked; Lydia was searching her face, eyes pleading. They both said nothing, just smile, as the whole room erupted into cheers again.

 

 


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ehhh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gifting this to my boo [caffeinatedkatnissbee](caffeinatedkatnissbee.tumblr.com) bc Allydia.
> 
> Allison and Boyd is my ultimate brotp. Because I live in the ballpit.

“Be my girlfriend.” Lydia Martin does not do requests. This was a demand.

 

“Are you kidding, Lydia?”

 

Lydia pursed her lips, in the way that makes it look like she thinks you’re an idiot. “No. Just… think of it as an experiment. A sociological study.”

 

“To what end, exactly?” Allison took a bite of her taco, glaring at Lydia as she speaks.

 

Lydia speared a piece of bell pepper with her fork and let her face soften. Her voice was small when she said, “To see if I can be Homecoming Queen?” Because of three years of pure, loyal friendship, Allison pretended she didn't see the blush that had taken up residence high on Lydia's pale cheeks.

 

“Is that what this is about? You want to be Homecoming Queen?”

 

“Well, yes. It would look great on college applications. Plus, the dress I bought is definitely worthy of a crown.”

 

“Okay, but Lydia," Allison dropped her voice, looking quickly over both of their shoulders, "there’s just one problem with this whole plan: we—I mean—we're not—you’re not gay!" Lydia rolled her eyes as if to say, this matters how?

 

"How good will it look on college applications if you tell them you were Beacon Hills first lesbian Homecoming queen but you are straight?”

 

Lydia pursed her lips again. “Really, Allison. Sexuality is a spectrum, I could be, for all intents and purposes, only interested in a same-sex relationship with you. Or I could be bisexual or pansexual or any combination of things. Besides, statistically speaking, a great portion of young women experiment at some stage between high school and college. I’ve always been an early bloomer.” She shrugged, letting Allison know that she felt that was answer enough.

 

Allison sighed, “Fine!” She ran her hand through her hair and, lowering her voice even lower, asked, “How far are we going to go with this, though. I mean, I’m all for hugging and holding hands in the halls but…”

 

Lydia considered this before laying down her fork primly and shrugging. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, I guess.”

 

With that, she quickly leaned forward and pecked the brunette on the cheek. With a wink and a “See you later babe”, she was walking out of the cafeteria.

 

Allison watched her walk away, still in a slight state of shock.

 

* * *

 

“Dude, this is bullshit and you know it.” Jackson pointed his fork at Danny in an attempt to be menacing. “They," his fork now swished between the brunette sitting on the opposite side of the cafeteria and the small redhead that she was watching leave, "are not even gay.”

 

“What? How do you know?”

 

“Because I hooked up with Lydia Sophomore year, remember?” Jackson raised his eyebrows, and Danny couldn't help but laugh.

 

“Whatever, Jacks. Willow dated Oz for like, two and a half seasons and we still all know she was Kinsey-six gay and meant for Tara.”

 

“To the point of killing people in retribution for her untimely death,” Stiles chimed in, fries sticking out of the corner of his mouth.

 

“I didn’t even understand half of that.” Jackson's face is a picture of disbelieving.

 

“Maybe you made her gay?” Stiles smirked before biting a too-large chunk out of his chicken.

 

“Oh, fuck off Stilinski. If anyone here made her gay, it was your pining ass. Besides, don’t tell me you didn’t see the way she was with Parrish the other night.”

 

“Dude, they were talking about science. Lydia would go goo-goo-eyed talking to McCall about science.” Danny pointed the end of his plastic knife at Scott, who was currently trying to pull his hair out over his biology homework.

 

Scott looked up at the mention of his name, laughed and nodded enthusiastically. At his response, the rest of the table fell into a loud fit of laughter.

  
  


* * *

 

 

After a long week of mulling things over, of holding hands and cheek and forehead kissing in the hallways, Allison was faced with the biggest challenge to her resolve yet. On a Tuesday morning, only eleven days after the party, she arrived at school to be faced with huge posters that announced:

 

PEP RALLY

today @ lunchtime

WITH SPEECHES FROM HOMECOMING KING AND QUEEN CANDIDATES

 

Silently screaming just beneath the surface of her skin, Allison powers through the busy corridors.

 

Finally, she fell back against the locker beside Lydia’s, heaving a massive sigh. When Lydia did not reply, she made a _hnnph_ noise and rolled her eyes.

 

With a weary-concerned look on her face, Lydia closed her locker and sighed, “What’s wrong?”

 

As if given the magical word, Allison launched into her prepared diatribe:

 

“Do we really have to do this? I mean, it’s all a bit of a joke anyway, right? And there's a pep rally, Lydia. Where they expect us to speak. In front of the whole school! And I really don’t want to stand up in front of the whole school and lie to them about us dating because I think I might actually, genuinely have a heart attack.”

 

“Allison, you just need to relax. I’ll do all the talking. You just have to stand there and look pretty.”

 

“I don’t know, Lyds.” She was chewing so hard on her lip that she was sure she would break the skin any second. Noticing this, Lydia lifted her hand and forcibly removed her bottom lip from between the oscillating teeth.

 

“Allison.” Lydia then drooped her hands to catch hold of her friend’s wrists. “Trust me, it’ll be fine. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

 

* * *

 

 

 _I wish I had gotten that in writing_. That’s the first thing that crossed Allison’s mind when it happened. They were standing on the gym floor, being stared at by every other junior, when Jackson turned towards them and smirked, “Ha. They’re not even gay.”

 

Like a canned sound effect, the whole assembly gasped at once.

 

Lydia looked at Allison, eyebrows raised, just as Danny shouted from the bleachers.

 

“Yes, they are, and we love them!”

 

The crowd cheered enthusiastically, whooping and shouting words of encouragement.

 

Allison had just started to resume breathing when Jackson’s face clouded with fury and he scoffed, “prove it.”

 

Lydia giggled—Allison couldn’t help but notice it sounded tinny and fake, but probably only to her—looked at Allison's stricken face, and then turned towards Coach Finstock, who was leading the Pep Rally.

 

"I hardly think that's appropriate, in front of half the student body, right Coach?"

 

Coach just shrugged back at her, bottom lip stuck out weirdly. "As long as no one gets pregnant on my watch, I'm golden."

 

Worry flashed quickly across her face before she regained her composure and turned determinedly to Allison, who was visibly cringing.

 

“Well?”

 

Allison shrugged. Lydia nodded quickly, then placed her hands tentatively on Allison’s forearms, drawing in to the taller girl’s body.

 

“Ready?” she breathed, and Allison could feel it ghost across her face. All she could do was nod.

 

Then, Lydia’s lips met hers, slowly and innocently.

 

Their lips were barely touching, but Allison suddenly felt… something. She suddenly felt everything: like she was too big for her skin, like her stomach was full of butterflies but was still sinking to her ankles, like every nerve-ending in her body was singing in delight and pain, like she was exploding by degrees. Without thinking, Allison's hands fell to the small of her back and drew her in closer, pushing her lips against Lydia's with more urgency. Lydia’s fingers gripped tighter on her forearms as she smiled against Allison’s lips, and Allison let herself smile back.

 

When they pulled away, Allison couldn’t help but whisper, “Wow.”

 

Lydia smiled, eyes soft for a moment before lighting up with glee, and says, “I know.” Her grip tightened briefly before she dropped her hands and gushed, “way to sell it!” Then she turned toward the crowd, all faux-bashful, and waved.

 

* * *

 

 

“What the hell am I going to do?”

 

“You know, I was literally just thinking, 'I think right now, just this minute, mine and Allison's friendship has reached that point where she can barge into my bedroom without knocking and I would be completely cool with it', and then 'lo and behold, here you are,” Boyd deadpanned. She simply waved off his sarcasm.

 

She made her way straight to his bed and fell down heavily on it. She was barely sitting in it for two seconds before she rethought the decision and began pacing the lenght of the small room.

 

“This is bad. Like, really bad.”

 

“I thought this was the truest point in friendship, when you can just barge into my room without knocking.”

 

“Vernon. Please. I am having a crisis.” She covered her face with her hands, momentarily stopping the pacing. He gingerly sat down on the bed behind her.

 

“Don’t call me that. What’s wrong?”

 

Allison looked up at him, sighed, and then resumed her nervous shuffling back and forth. She tried to bring all the right words to the front of her mind. "I don't know if I can do this. I mean, what the fuck? What the actual fuck? I can't— How can I and not— Before now surely there would have been, you know, something? But then again maybe there's nothing and I'm just being stupid because I've always been a pretty good actor I did three years of drama, so maybe this is just like, my mind doing some subconscious method acting thing—"

 

When she turned again, Boyd was standing in front of her. His big hands caught her wildly flying arms and he slowly breathed, "Ally. Breathe."

 

Allison took a shaking breath and looked up at Boyd with big, sad eyes.

 

He easily led her to the edge of the bed and pushed her gently so that she sat on the edge.

 

"Now. In full sentences, from the beginning, tell me what's wrong."

 

Allison cleared her throat. She knew her face was growing steadily more and more red. Her voice quivering, she started:

 

“Okay, so… You know how me and Lyds have been,” she made a lame hand gesture, “you know?”

 

“Pretending to be a lesbian couple to win votes to be Beacon Hills’ first Homecoming Queen and Queen?” Boyd nodded.

 

“Yeah, that.”

 

“I’m aware of the general idea.”

 

“What if…" She pulled her bottom lip in between her front teeth, "we’re not faking?”

 

Boyd choked on air. “What?”

 

Allison only groaned in response.

 

“Are you trying to tell me you and Lydia are… actually dating? You’re not faking it just to win Homecoming Queens?”

 

“No! It's not like that. I mean, not really. That's why we started this whole," _shitstorm_ , Allison wanted to say, but settled for "situation. To win Homecoming. But then, the Pep Rally, and the the kiss and now… Lydia’s faking. I’m… not so sure.”

  
  



	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tears. Tears happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big up to my ultimate baes [Lena](eatthecity-eatitwhole.tumblr.com) and G for inspiring the friendship-feels in the final length of this.
> 
> I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry.

Allison smoothed her hands over her red dress. Her palms were sweating, and the soft lace of her dress was the only thing she could wipe them on. _Lydia would murder me where I stood_ , she thought. Homecoming would have been stressful enough for her without all of this, she didn't particularly love being at school events. Homecoming would have been terrible when they were just two pretend-lesbians peer-pressured into running for Queen and Queen. Now, she thought, it'll be unbearable. Then she saw Lydia across the dancefloor, wearing a black satin dress and red lipstick and looking like a goddamn angel and it seemed easy, simple even. She was doing this for Lydia. She tried to keep that in mind.

 

Allison wasn't exactly surprised when they were announced Homecoming Queens. She knew Lydia wasn't either, but she did her best impression of surprised-humble-grateful. Allison tried to not look uncomfortable as Coach Finstock placed matching tiaras on their heads. She managed to keep an acceptable face on while they stood for pictures for the school paper, for the school website, for a blog, for proof. Then Finstock was calling everyone to quiet.

 

“And now… Uh… their first dance. Make way. Move you little cretins!”

 

Allison smiled at Lydia, taking her both hands with a dramatic little flourish and then drawing her close. This, this she can do. She was breathing slowly, considerately. _This is just dancing with your best friend_ , she thinks.

 

When the music started, Lydia moved first, leading, as always. After a couple of seconds, however, Allison's brain caught up with her body and suddenly her body refused to work.

She looked up at Boyd, who was standing behind the DJ decks, smirking at her. Suddenly she felt sick, she felt nervous, really nervous, because Jenny Lewis was telling her that she'd _been had and she'd been held_ and Lydia's head was lying on her shoulder and Jenny had _been carried away_ and Lydia's breath was ghosting across the skin of her shoulder and Rilo Kiley are their band, hers and Lydia's band, and Jenny was singing “But i never thought I'd see you as I did today” and suddenly everything was too much for Allison and she couldn't take it. Tears were filling up her eyes too quickly, before she could get away, and she was running across the dance-floor and the angels are hanging 'round.

 

Lydia was calling, "Allison!"

 

Jenny was telling her that _The Angels hung around as they carried me away_.

 

Boyd's face had fallen, Erica was shouting at him.

 

Jenny was telling the whole room _I been in love only once, and I feared the best and loved the worst_.

 

She didn't stop running until she had closed her bedroom door behind her and she could collapse.

 

* * *

 

 

Her phone hadn't stopped beeping. The last time she had checked, she had thirty-seven missed calls, fourteen voice-mails, and forty-five texts from Lydia. Allison couldn't face it, she couldn't stand to talk to her yet. She knew that, but every time her phone vibrated on her bedside locker, a fresh wave of guilt crashed through her. She knew that if it was the other way around, she would have gone out of her mind. That being said, she was practically going out of her mind as it was. That was why, when she first heard knocking at her door, she assumed she had imagined it. But then…

 

“Okay, Allison, I've had enough of the whole 'giving-you-space' thing. Open the goddamn door and talk to me.”

 

Allison thought about not opening it. She thought about possibly absconding out her window. She thought about running away and never coming back. All of these seemed preferable to what was about to come, but there was that tone in Lydia's voice, the one that betrayed her steely edges and told Allison that she was really, very upset and hurt by all of this. So Allison opened the door.

 

“Allison.” Lydia was standing with her arms crossed and one foot popped slightly out, ready to start tapping the minute Lydia became impatient. Allison skimmed over her stature to her eyes, her eyes that always betrayed her. The bright green eyes she knew better than anyone's were pleading, glazed but not quite watering, with flickers of anger.

 

Allison could not force sound passed the dry patch at the back of her mouth.

 

“What did I do?” Lydia's voice was small, almost broken, and it caught Allison off-guard. All of the air seemed to have left her lungs.

 

 _Just tell her. You are best friends, much more than that even—soulmates. It will be okay._ Her mind was pushing but her mouth took a few moments to catch up.

“You didn't do anything Lydia. It's me. I'm just—” There was an edge of weepiness seeping through her words so she tried to pull air through her teeth, calm herself down. “Everything is weird for me right now.”

 

“And you can't talk to me about it?”

 

“No!”

 

“Why not? Since when can't you tell me everything.”

 

"Since—I don't know, I just can't, okay?"

 

"Allison!"

 

“Since we kissed!” Allison hadn't meant to shout it, but it had come out that way. Instinctively, her hand raised toward her face, but she stopped before it reached her mouth. It ended up hanging lamely somewhere around her jaw.

 

Lydia's eyes widened, and she let out a laboured breath. She fumbled for words for a moment before she shakily said, “You said it was fine.”

 

Allison couldn't meet her eyes. She couldn't speak again.

 

“You should have told me that it weirded you out, that it crossed a line.” She paused, thinking. “Is that why you ran out last night? Because it was Rilo Kiley? Because it had ruined our friendship?”

 

Again, Allison fought hard to get her words in order, to untie her tongue. She nodded sharply before standing up and beginning to pace. “It was just, you know, the words. It was just… too much.”

 

“The words?” Genuine confusion passed across Lydia's face. “'The angels…' It's a song about someone dying.” She bit her lip, tried to formulate some idea of what relevance that could have.

 

“Not those ones.” The brunette was blushing furiously, balled fists swinging aimlessly as she studied her carpet.

 

“Allison?”

 

“You know, just before the chorus, she sings 'I never thought I'd see you',” she swallowed hard, trying to force down the lump in her throat, “'as I did today.'”

 

Allison wasn't entirely sure if it was a minute or a week that passed before either of them moved, made a sound. From where she was studying the carpet, she heard Lydia move to the bed and sit down before she let out a soft, "oh."

 

Allison forced her head to incline, her swimming eyes to look at her friend. Lydia's eyes, too, were filled with tears.

 

"I didn't…" she began, taking a huge steadying breath, "I didn't know you were…"

 

"Neither did I. I don't even know if I am…"

 

"But you…"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Since when?"

 

"The Pep Rally. When we kissed."

 

"And since then you've been…"

 

"I don't know. Pretending this was all happening to someone else. Pretending that this feeling would go away."

 

"But the song…"

 

"Yeah."

 

Lydia stood, took a step towards Allison with her hand outstretched. "Ally…"

 

Allison shook her head briskly, the threatening tears finally spilling over her cheeks.

 

"I didn't know. You should have told me…"

 

"Why?"

 

"We could have talked about it!" Lydia was crying now, too. "We could have worked this out!"

 

Despite herself, Allison scoffed. She felt angry. She felt slighted and rejected and hurt. Lydia didn't want her. She was confused and humiliated and Lydia's tear-creased faced made her feel sick to her stomach.

 

"Lyds?" she sobbed.

 

Lydia made a questioning noise, wholly unsure that her words would perform.

 

"Leave."

 

"Allison!" The word came from the pit of her stomach, came painfully from the bottom of my chest, cracked out her throat. It was pleading and desperate like Lydia never was but Allison couldn't stand it. She shook her head again and Lydia nodded, her tears going silent as she moved toward the door and through it.

 

Allison fell on to her pillows, hacking sobs breaking over her. She stayed that way until morning.

 

* * *

 

 _I prefer the constant guilt and missed calls_ , Allison thought after four days of radio silence. It was the longest they had gone without speaking since the day they met. She couldn't count the amount of times she had picked up her phone and dialled Lydia, tried to write messages to her before realising she had absolutely no idea what she wanted to say.

 

_I'm sorry?_

 

But why should she be sorry. She couldn't help feeling like this. She definitely did not ask for it. Who in their right mind would ask for an unreturned crush, let alone one on their best friend?

 

_Please talk to me?_

 

The idea of coming face-to-face with Lydia made her heart beat too-fast. She was terrified of what might happen, what might be said, that it would be the end of thir friendship.

 

_Maybe we need some space?_

 

This idea was the worst. Time and space away from the person who made her feel comfortable in her own skin. Space from the magnificent light that kept her smiling. Time to forget all of their jokes. Space to forget how her presence was always there and always comforting.

 

Allison wanted only one thing: to go back.

 

She wanted to go back to before their last conversation, before the kiss, before the party, when things were effortless and clearly-defined, when knowing which sushi rolls were hers and which were Lydia's didn't seem weird, when they could tell each other everything, when they were soulmates in whatever way because their friendship defied labels. She wanted to go back to when Lydia was allowed be her world without the confusion because there was no moving line.

 

She just wanted Lydia and that was the worst thing about all this.

 

Lydia, it seemed, had been having a similar war with herself. She turned up at Allison's bedroom door later that day, hair scraped back, eyes grey and pink, wearing her father's sweater.

 

She sat on the end of the end, to the side of Allison's feet and neither of them said anything for a long time.

 

"I—" Lydia's voice shook uncharacteristically. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I haven't watched the season finale of Orphan Black yet. Have you?"

 

"I wouldn't… I mean, not without you."

 

Lydia nodded.

 

"Ally…"

 

"No, Lydia. I—"

 

"Please." Lydia held up her hand, a shadow of her normal authority in her voice. "This is going to be hard enough to say and it would be so much easier if I could just get it all out."

 

Allison kept her mouth resolutely shut, nodded at Lydia, who pulled in a large breath.

 

"Okay. Allison. You know I don't exactly talk about my feelings often. I mean, I would hope you knew… You know, what you mean to me. But because I've never said it, here it goes. The day I met you was one of the greatest days of my life because I met someone who simultaneously would love me unconditionally and take none of my shit. I met someone who I could ugly-laugh in front of, or quote Hairspray in front of, or cry in front of." Another heaving breath. "You, Allison, are the perfect counterpoint to me. Even when you're not there, you're always there and it became so hard to feel lonely with you around. The last four days have been the loneliest four days I can remember."

 

"Lydia, what are you—"

 

Lydia held up her hand again.

 

"Allison, I try to imagine my life without you in it, and it physically hurts. It grey and dull and lonely and shit. I don't want that."

 

She had started to chew her lip, and Allison was watching her intently, feeling as though the confusion the last 96 hours had brought was nothing compared to this limbo feeling. Mentally, she urged Lydia on.

 

"But—" Again Lydia's voice faltered. "But when I picture my life with you in it… You are by my side, as my best friend, not my girlfriend. And I wish it was different. Because I know this is hurting you. I wish I felt the same way and we could ride off into the sunset, but I can't change they way I feel, no more than you can."

 

Allison stayed silent for a minute, more out of necessity than out of choice. Then, through stiff jaw and gasping breath, she forced an "I know" out into the stifling air of the room.

 

When Lydia said nothing, Allison asked, "What now?"

 

Lydia shrugged, and Allison noticed how young she looked in that moment, how lost.

 

"That… That's up to you Allison. I just miss you. But if you need space, I'll give you space. If you need me to go away forever, I will. If you need me to get plastic surgery so I look like David fucking Hasselhoff, I will sulk about it for a week and then I will."

 

In spite of the atmosphere, they both laughed; briefly and softly, but they had laughed.

 

"I don't want you to do either of those last two things. And I don't really want space. I mean, not really. But really, I think it's for the best if we break up. Say, I don't know, the pressure of regal responsibility was too much for us."

 

Lydia smiled a watery smile and Allison attempted to respond.

 

"Okay."

 

"Maybe, also, no more kissing?"

 

"Done. Anything else?"

 

"Not that I can think of right now, but I reserve the right to say 'you cannot do the thing' whenever I discover a thing."

 

Lydia nodded quickly, "of course. But I also reserve the right to find you a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. Or someone-who-is-neither-or-both-or-somewhere-on-the-spectrum-friend."

 

Allison laughed, stronger now.

 

"Deal."

**Author's Note:**

> Since this is their senior year, everyone is over eighteen. I know that means nothing to the age limit for alcohol in the States but it matters regarding the whatever-it-is between Lydia and Parrish.


End file.
